It has been the longest winter of my life. I don’t know if it was the fact that I had a one year old who was bursting at the seams of these four walls, and the fact that it took an enormous amount of energy (try bundling up a child and then dragging her in and out of the carseat for a day!) just to get out into the mud covered “blah-ness” to run a few errands, much less to do something fun, like trying to have a picnic at the park when it’s freezing cold.
Or was it the fact that we as a couple just happened, also, to be in a never-ending season of hardship?
Where we, like the trees, have been stripped bare of everything we’ve ever believed in? I think it was mostly the latter. It’s been so bare, in fact, we both wondered if there would ever be leaves on our trees.
We’ve been stripped of friendships, businesses, finances, dreams, and every fighting chance to get ahead. It’s been weird. On one hand, it’s been a season of freedom. But on another hand, it’s been a season of struggling for everything. I’ve finally felt the freedom to say whatever I need to say to John. But on the flip side of that, I’ve also watched him bear the most excruciating pangs of failure and have felt more empathy toward him than ever.
We’ve had to dig our feet in real deep and figure out new ways of being one. And not just shriveling up in our own little winters. Or giving in to the harsh winds of blame.
I think it’s actually been good, only because it forced us to grow together in ways we would not have, had we not encountered these hardships.
But it’s spring time now, and it seems it is also spring time in our lives. We are cleaning up and clearing out in so many ways. I am letting go of a lot of anger and John is letting himself out of the prison of guilt. I am ok with letting him be my protector again. And he is doing a great job at taking back that role. We are finding ourselves and our dreams again.
It is springtime.
And it feels so good! Solomon says it best when he says…”Arise, my love, My beautiful one, and come along. For BEHOLD! The winter is past, the rain is OVER and GONE! (thank God!) The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.” Continue reading